I've got the blues

Just don't feel like doing anything right now. If you don't want to hear whining or frustration then just close the blog now.

My mom had a big birthday that ends in a 0 today so she is depressed. I didnt' make it out to visit her while she was on vacation and I'm upset that she'll be upset about that fact sometime when she gets over her birthday thing.

My nephew went in for coclear (sp??) implants today and had some minor problems with spinal fluid leaking.

My mother-in-law is doing worse every day. For those who may not know, she is in her final stages of brain cancer. It's returned for the third and final time, they can't do anything else for her now. Hospice started coming out to her house last week. I really don't expect to have her at Thanksgiving this year. It makes me so sad.

Today Ashton, my 7 year old, said "Mom, I cried at school today thinking about Diddie dying." I asked her if her teacher said anything. She said "she didn't see me, I was sitting at the back of the room working. My friend asked me what was wrong and I told her I would tell her later." So that made me cry, makes me cry thinking of how it's affecting my babies too. We will miss her so much . .. .

I have two things that make it harder - back in June or July I wanted to get a photographer friend of mine to take some very special portraits of Martha with each of the grandkids, real close up shots of them hugging or holding hands or something on black backgrounds, with black clothes, in black & white. Very intimate portraits. And a family portrait since our last one didn't have our little nephew in it. I wanted a big wall collage of all these. BUT it didn't work out. Edwin couldn't go in that weekend, and his brother had to work. They just didn't understand how important this type of thing is to me. Now she's too weak and depressed to do it. She doesn't smile anymore. She had a beautiful smile . . . .

Another regret is that backin July I sent a book where she could record herself reading a book to our kids. So they would always have this and get to hear her voice read to them. But could anyone help her do it??? NO! I asked Edwin and a couple of other people to help her do it and I am just so frustrated that no one seems to understand how important these two things were to me! Geez now I'm bawling again . . .

Now she's to the point that I don't think she can read out loud anyways ... .

maybe I'll feel better soon, but for now I'm just staying away from everyone.